you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
