I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
