My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
