I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
