Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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