Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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