final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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