What a fucking waste of an outfit
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
