Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
