Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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