You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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