The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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