I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize