my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
