EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
