There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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