My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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