You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
