Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
