i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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