nut hugger
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We are two peas in an std pod
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
