i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
