She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
