dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
