I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you inspire me to be a worse person
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
