All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
