Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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