I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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