We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
