I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
