she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
