have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
