we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize