The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
