Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
