You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
