i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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