All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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