I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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