His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
