there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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