You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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