I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
