the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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