1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
