Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
