No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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