and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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