why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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