I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
4 words: hood of his car
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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