If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
