Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
