OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize