Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
