I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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