I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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