Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
