can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
nutella sex= disaster
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
