You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
