Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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