So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
