i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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